Towards the end of 2018, I am writing this article. It is quite incredible how much life can change in one year.
As of today, I am not only not an Owned man anymore; I don’t consider myself interested in subbing anymore, my experiences with “Doms and Masters” have always been very negative, and when it was a positive one, it was not meant to last.
So I have decided to quit with all that. Of course, relationships can fail, people can disappoint us, and life goes on; it’s all normal. But I wanted to take the time to think and share why to me it has been so painful, and why I believe, now that I’m turning into my 30’s, that it’s time that I face the truth, and recognize that the man I always hoped could teach me, inspire me, guide me into the path of becoming the best Master I could be, is not to be searched elsewhere.
That man, is me.
Note to the Reader
This article stayed in draft mode for over one year. I am publishing it today at the end of 2019’s summer. Many things have evolved and I have come to understanding that the pain and suffering were needed in order to fully embrace my natural role; however, I still think this article has some value, and I’ve decided to post it anyways.
Following the Protocol
I have always been a very Dominant person. Since I was just a little puppy, I wanted to control everything, everyone, take care of my own things, focus on my plans, lead people. At the same time, having had a very violent childhood with very inadeguate parents, along with the traumas of it, I have always had a strong sense of humility and self criticism; it might not show on the outside, as I am also a very proud person (and I have quickly found out that as soon as you show people you are prone to question yourself, they will take advantage of that and stop respecting your opinions), but I have spent all of my life questioning myself and thinking wether I was not good enough, not ready enough, not hung enough, not hard enough, not muscular enough, not experienced enough, and not able to efficiently take care of myself. I have always been very good at taking care of others, but when it comes to myself, I still had much to learn; and how can you be a good Master if you can’t even take proper care of yourself?
So, as stated in previous articles, I tried my best so lead my subs and boys while at the same time keeping my heart open for an Older Master that could be a part of my family, and from whom I could learn everything that I still had to. It has always been a difficult match, as my standards are so high, and because of how much seriously I take this lifestyle. I though that of course the youngsters out there were lacking of the culture and the experience to make a lifestyle out of BDSM and Leather or at least to believe in it. I thought that older men who lived through the 60’s, 70’s, 80’s and 90’s would have had much more to teach, share, plant in me. I also always missed a father figure and having one in the leather world sounded like what I needed. It was what I needed. And also, it was what the Protocol states as a proper path to become a Master.
Being a Master should not be a title you pin on yourself just because it’s cool; I though it should have been something other experienced Master would have validated for you. After all, there is so much to learn, and BDSM can be so dangerous, it is important to learn all of the pros and cons and safeties of every situation.
But what about my feelings? What does it mean for a Dom to sub? What does it mean to sub not as a sexual experience, but as a fundamental and constitutive part of your growth as a Man and Master? What does it mean when you do not have submissive feelings at all, never, in no occasions, and you choose one or two people in the world to open your heart to, and trust blindly in, and let them take the title of Mentor?
When a Dom subs
It’s not at any point about Class A and B submissions, feelings or commitments. There is not a better or worse one, there is not a higher and lower level. Yet there is deep difference.
While for a sub it’s a natural calling, a private pleasure satisfaction and feeling at ease and finally relaxing, to be able to serve is for a Dominant a completely different matter. It is actually, at least in my experience, all about the need to know there is someone in the world you can trust blindly in, let go control to, look up to. The more a man is Dominant and in need to be in charge, the more it carries a crushing heavy weight. The weight of responsibility, always knowing what to do, what to say, what to think, how to act. It also doesn’t help, in my case, to be crushed by your own looks.
I am tall, masculine, hairy, supposedly attractive, muscled, hung. Since I started going out, every single time I walk into a gay bar or event, I can feel lots of eyes on me. It never stops, and all of those eyes are constantly communicating; they all put energy and pressure on me. And they all want to see one thing and one thing only: the brutal macho fucker, the Alpha Boss, or whatever their fantasy might be. Now, regardless the fact that my looks match my personality, this is not just all of what I am. I also am a human being; I also am an orphan; I also am a person struggling and in pain like everybody else. I have also not chosen my looks, I was simply born this way, and the way I look doesn’t necessarily say everything there is to know about my personality.
Also to be a Dominant caretaker / Daddy figure, means that you happily get to help everyone you care for, listen to their problems, share advice. But when you need help or are sad or just not feeling great, it’s very rare that this crowd of people who look at you in awe will be interested at all in knowing you too actually bleed.
When you have an aura around you, when people erotically call you a “God”, you cannot then break their dream in this society. You are alone.
Of course this doesn’t happen in all the cases, but it happens in most of the cases.
These were short examples of the weight a Dom man and in the specific, me, hold on my shoulders 24/7. So for a Dom having the possibility to switch and serve, wether just as “fun” or instead into a serious relationship, is something that involves a lot of feelings and tensions. It’s not our natural role, we feel make ourselves extremely vulnerable and exposed in a raw, intimate side of ourself which links to the soft, tender and fragile part of our soul, which is what is left in you of when you were a boy.
Recon and Berlin
I have been on recon as a premium member for 11 years. What I used to like the most about the platform, was the hundreds of galleries that leathermen and fetishmen used to store into their accounts, showing the lifestyle behind the main profile pictures; the model poses, the tight leather, the raging bulges, the hot steam of manhood that would almost come out of the screen on a side, and the “playroom time” pictures on the other. Also, it was the only way to be able to connect with other like minded and like hearted people around the web.
Since then, I have always been eying at a few profile worldwide. It has never been a problem for to think about relocation or traveling the world to be in the presence of my people. Because this is what the struggle and the lifestyle is about: finding your people. Nowadays recon seems to be evolved in another “quickie” app, with harness and boots. To me, this is extremely sad and disappointing.
Since I was 19 I was looking with admiration at Master Rob from Berlin (we will call him this way, for privacy reasons, the name is fictional); he looked in all like an Old Guard real Leather Master, he was almost 3 times my age, pictures in his profile going back to the 80’s and 70’s, him together with slaves in situations that led me to think that they had a life together, that there was a relationship going on, and so on. To my surprise, he engaged with me and wanted to use me for some play Sessions. I had no sub experience at all back then, and I was in a monogamous relationship with my husband, so that could not happen, and I have never thought it would have happened anyway.
Then, the rest of the story you all know from the “Of Wolves, Dragons and men” series, which I invite you to read, as they are real pieces of extreme and emotional BDSM experiences, with pictures and much more. Fast forward, if you have read those articles, you know that we have actually meet in 2016. Me and Rob started seeing each other every time I went to Berlin, and he started to be the only reason why I wanted to move my life to Berlin or to actually travel to Berlin more than 3 times per year. Every time we met there was not just the “play”. There were dinners, breakfasts, ice creams in the park, talks and laughs, there was sleeping together after a Session, there was him putting a fucking metal rod through my penis and cut through in a prince albert piercing, in which he professed being an expert, and turned out to be a failure, forever scarring my dick. And yet, I was so happy, so proud, so very ok with all this. I thought I was something special to him, I though we were building not just a play friendship, but “the relationship”. I don’t know with what kind of heart and soul a man can think that a person like me would let them whip me to the blood or mutilate my body, just “for fun”. This shows how there was truly no understanding that I was a Dom choosing him to be the only one who I would have subbed for; people really though I was a switch or a sub pretending to be a Dom, probably. I was giving him all that I had, the most precious thing I had. And I though we were on the same page.
I didn’t imagine all on my own; it wasn’t because I was too much carried away or stupidly fell in love. He confirmed his intentions and openness all the time. I told him always about my feelings (like if it was needed..) and he stated during an official interview for the movie Black Collar by SauKerl Productions Berlin, that he “had a leatherfamily like Wolf’s one, and that he would really love to build one again or to be part of one again”.
Still, I was keeping the needed safety distance, just to be sure he was not playing or fucking around with me. He apparently ended up in an extremely dangerous situation, and started speaking less and less to me. I was not bothered by the lack of communication, I was worried for him. I was dead worried for him. I started suffering from insomnia, PTSD and I was constantly angry. Somebody was hurting him phisically on a daily basis. By his own words, his boyfriend was an abusive dangerous junkie giving him life threats all days, life threatning whoever tried to get closer to Rob.
I asked Rob many times if I should have just walked away, if I was intruding in any way; I didn’t want Rob all for myself (or yes, of course I desired that with all my soul, but when I subbed, I never put myself first. Rob’s happiness was first in everything) and he assured me that my worries and tries of helping were deeply appreciated, and that the situation was very bad, but he wanted to handle it alone not to expose me to dangers.
When I was in Berlin last Folsom 2018 (to which I actually only go to see him after 6 months of silence and agony), I opened up my heart and explained that I was in a great deal of pain, that I needed wether for him to let me help, or to let me go away. It was unbearable to me to know that a loved person (not to mention the Master I worshipped like the only one on earth and beyond) was going through violence and abuse, plus having suffered a serious condition due to stress, and just sit there doing nothing. It’s just not how I’m wired. Also, the Wolf in me was completely in love with that man, and the Wolf is the most loyal and protective entity one can have.
I told him that if he was not going through the hard times with his health and also with the abusive guest, I would have offered him Ownership over me; just to let him know how I felt, so that he could realize I NEEDED an answer from him; leave me alone, or help me help you.
His answer, the next day, was to go read the Bible, Jesaia 43.1
“1 Und nun spricht der HERR, der dich geschaffen hat, Jakob, und dich gemacht hat, Israel: Fürchte dich nicht, denn ich habe dich erlöst; ich habe dich bei deinem Namen gerufen; du bist mein!”
"And now speaks the LORD who created you, Jacob, and HE who made you, says, O Israel. fear not, for I have claimed you; I have given you your name; You are mine!"
When I read those words on recon, I was sitting on a balcony in Moabit, smoking a cigarette and having my first coffee of the morning. It was a nuclear blast inside of me. Rob, HIM, he told me that I was his property, that he accepted Ownership, and was doing it in such a solemn way! I was shocked and deeply happy, but also deeply worried as now more than ever, I needed to save him from that danger. Also, the danger of course turned to me, as he was present every single time we met, basically. I started getting harassed, threatened, every single time I wrote to Rob.
Without going too much in detail with this story, as this article is not about my story with him, but about what it means when a Dom subs, Rob basically decided to disappear on me after promising that he would have kept in touch as the longest once a week with a message to let me know he was alright. He disappeared in October and hit me up again in April 2019 to ask if I was going to Berlin for Easter Weekend. Probably he was looking for some more play time with this fool; fortunately by then I had, what that man owned already have died. and I wished him all the best for his future, but also invited him pretty clearly to get the fuck out of my life, and that I had no respects for him after how I was treated.
The Damage is done
Almost 4 years have passed since the beginning of the process with Rob; still today, although I am more than happy to have taken on my life as a Master 100% (not that before it wasn’t so; I still owned my boys and still was the same person with them, but I was trying to also keep a balance in letting somebody be on a higher ground), it is extremely painful to be writing of this. This is why this article has stayed in stop for over one year. I have read through it a hundred times and every time I have to take a break from it because of how much this hurts.
And that’s exactly the point.
When an Old Guard Dom subs to you, he is not having a playtime for the sake of a hardon. He is seeking a unique connection, where the Trust Bond is even more fundamental than in any other BDSM Relationship. When a Dom subs out of his will to live this lifestyle to the highest standards of Old Guard Protocol and is being very clear about the reasons why he is offering you his submission, you have a big responsibility on your shoulders. When carelessly playing with the heart of a man who you are aware is a Master and is going to handle many men in the future, you have the huge responsibility to affect:
- How will this Master treat his subs in future, as in good and worse, he has absorbed your teachings;
- How will this Master feel about himself, as in good and worse, he has absorbed your image;
- How will this Master perform BDSM safely or not, as in good and worse, he has learnt your skills;
- How will this Master handle tricky situations and difficult subs, as because of the devastation you have left on him, his patience and tolerance thresholds are now thinned to a minimum;
- How will this Master be seen and considered publicly, as a Dom who is subbing for you exposes his reputation to misunderstandings, and it will affect the trusts that subs will have on him, in general;
- How will this Master be able to believe in an LTR; afterall, you were his most high example of how a Man can be.
- How will this Master be able to teach and live Old Guard, as in his eyes, your example was the highest one.
A new Day
So how to face the future now? Now that the Damage has been done, how to live this lifestyle without being of any harm? How to avoid subconsciously casting what I have went through on my next partner?
I believe in all fairness that the Old Guard lifestyle aims to some absolutes which are so high, and so valuable, that it is very rare to find men actually able to understand them or live them to the bone. Therefor, these kind of mishaps happen very often. I believe it all stays in how much I love Old Guard versus how much I loved Rob (and Nike, and LthrMstr before him) as a Master. For it doesn’t matter how much these three Mentors have in my opinion failed on me (some with the best of intentions, some being cruel and thick); what matters is that I am still living this lifestyle, and I must let go of the past and keep bringing on, on my own, what I always had inside of me and was looking in somebody else to confirm myself. Integrity and absolute seriousness about this lifestyle.
This is the kind of life I want, this is the only one possible for me; and if I happened to be the last Leatherman believing in these values, believe that BDSM is not a game, believing that men are meant to be a Pack fueled by Brotherhood and Codes of Discipline, where the word of a man is as worth as his on life, then so be it.
I will always be happy to look myself in the mirror, and to know who I am, and that I live my life with integrity, honesty, and pride.