This post features a nice chunk of my youth as a sort of autobiography to let you understand the process that brought WOLF to live. If you just care for the specific part in which I describe what WOLF is, jump to “The Beast” paragraph.
I’ve been writing before about WOLF. I think though that being it very difficult for me to write about it, I didn’t quite make a good job. Also now, as I’m writing these lines, I can feel a hum inside of me, raising its volume to the point I don’t even know how to type anymore. WOLF doesn’t want to be exposed with writings. WOLF exposes itself in the flesh. At times, you’ll recognize when WOLF is really present, as language slightly changes and becomes more simple and raw. Same goes for grammar. So sorry, reader, if I’ll make your life difficult.
But having said that I also strongly believe it is time I try my best to depict what it is all about, as many nice people around the web are intrigued by it; though at the same time, because they don’t know what it means, it can feel insulting to receive certain comments. And that’s why, at the very least, an explanation is good to be written.
I have always been a very curious child. Actually, it was not just about mere curiosity. It was about a need to find answers to something else. I always felt there was something inexplicable and fascinating and dangerous in my feelings and the way I felt things; roaming around and reading books, the internet, exploring my parent’s objects and drawers was my favorite activity when I was home alone. Which happened frequently. Not that I was physically neglected, no. I wanted to be alone. I always found human presence around me bothering to some degree, or actually, to be more precise, threatening. I couldn’t relax if my parents or siblings were around. When I was alone, since a very young age, I felt like I could be totally myself. And this is quite usual. Though while searching through their stuff, I was always searching something that linked me to them, without having much luck. At time I would sit at the diner table when I was only 8 or 9 years old, and I would watch my biological family eat and discuss. I felt like an alien, for a reason that I couldn’t define. I always felt a strong attachment to my biological father, most probably as he was always away and when he was home he was busy doing other things, but mostly because with him I felt less of an alien, in my youth. We had similar tastes in movies, entertainment and some views over things. He was wealthy, and we could afford all kinds of comforts, including cable tv, early internet, encyclopedias… etc. One fine day, when I was 7 YO, I started watching documentaries on the pay TV, and the closeness and fascination with Wolves was immediate. As soon as I saw the first documentary about forests or the Antartica and Wolves, I had a feeling I didn’t have for a long time. “Home”. Not like I was “back home” but like a huge magnetism that draw me to those woods and to those animals, like that was the place to be.
I really can’t tell the reason about this and I don’t mean to imply absolutely anything in this. I am a human being like everybody else, I am special as everybody else. Nothing more and nothing less. Now, my singularity was the early and immediate identification of myself and my ethics and values, to the reign of the Wolves. I crunched and munched on hundreds of hours of documentaries about Wolves, many books, and then from there came the fiction and movies about it, and I would share with my father this passion. Of course it was nothing more than a father and a son enjoying a thriller film, but to me it was very different. While he watched and commented the movie joking, I was secretly showing myself “naked” undercover. Eventually he became busy on other things and I had to start growing up, that’s when the internet came in the game. Back in the day, the internet was a very different place. A wide, free and unlimited space of discovery and conquer.
It was also a dangerous and dark place, at the same time.
Anyway there was no censure at all. You could find anything back then. Snuff, all kind of deviant pornography, and at the same time scans from government documents and also some interesting essays over different religions and psychology.
That’s when I came in contact with the notion of Lupus Dei. Quite frankly I have no idea why now it is impossible to find any information about it online now. I don’t have a clue and I don’t have a culture of the conspiracy. I just know that back in the day I found a pretty long description of this figure (as I was try to make some sense out of the Catholic religion which was imposed in my family, and I was also taking a look at the other religions as well. Satanism included) and from then, I never heard of it or read about it again, if not just very recently in a TV show called “Penny Dreadful”. I was quite surprised when they explicated the concept in almost the same ways as I read about it 15 years earlier, in a fictional fashion of course.
Anyways, the importance and the meaning of this figure is not taken by a TV show, it’s my personal interpretation of what I’ve read about it 16 years ago. The thing makes sense wether you’re religious or not, as you can simply switch the definition from God to your ego / idealism and moral compass, from Satan to your vices and urges and wants and needs (to some degree).
I’m not theologist, nor a priest, and I don’t want to get inside of a field that is not my own, so I’ll just try to resume the narrative part of it, which is not the central point here.
Long story short: God created humans, the earth, the animals and everything. Lucifer was one of God’s favorite Angels. One fine day Lucifer, seeing the grief and pain in which mankind was thrown by some balances and calculations of God, asked him why did he create mankind the way he did, just to deprive them from accessing pleasure and exercising intelligence and science and so on, which were all gifts that God gave to them. Why give mankind such great powers, tools and abilities just to forbid them from their usage? Just to enjoy obedience? Lucifer and God had different views over the debate, and God casted Lucifer, and other Angels that followed him, out of heaven as he dared to question God’s decisions. Lucifer then decides to try and tempt humans into being themselves in his ways of seeings things, and basically this is the story we all know about the fight between good and evil and how our free will, but also our sense of guild and moral, are the balance that decide how we behave.
The notion introduced here basically is the Wolf of God, the ultimate weapon that God has against Lucifer. Yeah, I know, cheeky eh? After all, what can be more cheeky, fictional and dramatic then religion itself? Though regardless of how religion is used today to control the masses, it still says a lot about where we come from and how we behave. After all, it’s a book written by humans, for humans.
The Wolf of God is represented as a being living on earth, a human gifted with great talents, talents above the average that can be used both for “the good and for the evil”. Though as his superior intelligence allow him to see that he could access great potential and conquer anything, he has at the same time a very strong sense of duty, moral and ethics, and deep inside is persuaded to pursuit the good. So it doesn’t matter how much Lucifer tempts him to reign by his side and be a god on earth, the Wolf of God may also agree with him, but will always decide to stay loyal to God, or what God represents in this case (virtue, ethics, wisdom, peace). Of course this balance is present in each and every human being, and this is God’s weapon. Our sense of guilt and our ethics. But still, there are some individuals more gifted than others, and their decisions on which side to stay are in that case crucial. Here’s the Wolf of God. A Beast made for freedom and conquer, an enlightened being, that though will always rape its own nature, as it cannot tolerate that same nature as is wired to pursuit the path of “good”.
In Literature this concept has been translated, coincidentally, as the myth of the Wolf Man, or the Werewolf. What is a Werewolf? A Werewolf is basically your random human being, whom for some reasons (usually he was “infected” by another Werewolf) becomes this monster / creature. At each full moon he will transform into a Wolf / Man hybrid and will loose his will, his personality, his human side, and just become a slaughter machine with one only goal: conquer with violence and blood, fulfilling his need for the hunt and the kill. Which of course is a very romantic and exotic view of what a real Wolf would be. In other words, it’s half bullshit. The need to kill for the pleasure to kill and the idea of conquer and destroy, the wrath and the cruelty that are depicted in these fictions, are all human products. As the night dies, the Werewolf comes back in his human form, and there you have it: the poor man, crying in pain from the transformation, that has no clue of what happened. He will discover in the next days of the pain and sorrow and horror he caused, and will feel deeply ashamed of it, will want to die because of it, he will not be able to hold this weight on his shoulders. Most of all, because this is none of his fault. He has no choice; mind the difference: in other fictions, the human decides to use a super power. In the case of the Werewolf, he cannot decide, he doesn’t want to be this creature. It is a victim. And yet, when the moon is full, he will start again the same massacre, just to start again all the sorrow and regret process from scratch, until he is killed.
So you see the cruelty and the depravation behind the creation of this creature: this man, Lupus Dei, has no choice but to be a killing machine, or to go back to metaphors and out of fiction, closer to Lucifer’s reign. He has no choice. This is his own nature. But, each time he will indulge in it (process which he cannot stop), he will spend 26 days crying and punishing himself as the human side of him is loyal to another goal, which is to rise up, be good, and live in peace and ethically. It is a life of torture.
In a way, we always experience that. We are all, with each small decision we take in each action every day, choosing wether to follow the virtue or to indulge in what’s more comfortable and doesn’t require the effort of making it meaningful. So whose really, in my way of seeing things, Lupus Dei? Lupus Dei is him who decides to knowledge completely these two souls, and find a way to make the good out of it. Lupus Dei will find a way to satisfy the Beast inside trying not to harm others, while using its strength to lighten and enrich other people’s lives. He is the one who dedicates his life to building a pack with its Brothers, and who uses it’s inner strength and resilience to feel all the passion of the flesh, and use it for the wellness of its pack.
Enough of this mumbo jumbo, why do you dress up like that?
When I was old enough to start developing my sexuality for real (that is, adolescence), I jerked off a lot to kinds of porn that I’m not so sure are legal everywhere (use your imagination..). Again, back in the day you could find everything online and there was no regulation over the contents. I found myself more and more humping a huge teddy bear that my mother had as a memory of a wedding gift (sorry mother!). It was a 160 cms tall polar bear. I brutally pierced a hole through its back paws, nobody ever noticed of course. I would hump that big stuffed animal like I was another animal. I spent hours in my bedroom on the bed wondering why wasn’t it possible for me to transform into an animal during the night, like it happened in movies. Why wasn’t life that way? Of course they were only fantasies and divagations of a very creative adolescent. Right? But what is fetish really all about?
When you have a fetish over regression, and you wear a diaper and a pacifier and play with baby toys and sleep in a cradle… are you really just playing a part? Or do you actually, for that time being, become a baby?
When you have a fetish over feminization, and you wear stockings and bra and a wig and get fucked by some married man… are you really just playing a part? Or do you actually, for that time being, become a female slut?
Well I’ve been around enough in the fetish world and experience now to let you know, it’s the second option. If it didn’t happen for you, I’m really sorry. You didn’t have a good time. But if you really learn to let go and accept yourself and trust your partner, you become what you have inside.
In the same way, I learned I could become WOLF. WOLF is real just as much as the human host is real. It’s just a matter of emotional and psychological freedom to be able to witness this. No, I don’t grow fangs and a fur on my back. No, my limbs does not distort and I don’t grow a snout. But trust me when I say that the man really goes away. Or maybe it really stays. I’m not sure what the real answer is, if WOLF is another part of this soul or if WOLF is really the animal that this man is. What I can tell is that it’s like a soft trance, like a slow and fuzzy hum that blinds the human away in a state of vigil dream, and a rush of blood inside stronger than any hit of poppers you may take. And it stays until the WOLFtime is finished.
Every inch of my skin burns up to the level of a sensorial awareness that is out of what I have ever experienced in my human state of perception. Thoughts grow little, capacity of speaking grows little, is happening also now. Thoughts are more simple, raw, quick, honest. There is no rich and fancy vocabulary. Protocol is difficult to keep but not to honor in different perspective. There is emotion, will, ecstasy and pain. A lot of pain. A continuous, strong, deep, violent and breathtaking pain inside, like a strong sense of unbearable anxiety that grows, grows, grows into a climax of noise and urge and energy on the inside, which is not containable anymore and it finally explodes. That is your transformation, human. Soon you can only growl to let the pressure out like it is the exhaustion pipe of all the weight of being the wildest of the Beasts, caged inside a body that is not yours really. And then you howl.
A kind of Transexual Experience
This is a short digression. I think more and more about how this condition is similar, but not as heavy of course, to be a transexual in a way. Of course it is not the same; I don’t feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body. Yet I feel like an animal trapped into not only a man’s body, but a men’s society. The feeling of loneliness, not being understood, taken seriously and of not having a chance to find “your pack” is heavy and present each day. Sometimes is unbearable. So this is also a reason more why I am always emotionally very close to my transexual friends. I cannot understand what it means for them, but I know how it feels for me. And it fucking sucks some days.
Lonely Wolf, cry. Cry over this wonderful gift that is difficulty shared with others. Feel sad, as this human world is destroying nature and other animals, each single day, and not for a natural balance between predators and preys. They do it over money. Suffer over your need to be the animal that you are, but nobody wants to deal with a man who is an animal, or vice versa. You will get to play sometimes. You will get to, within the safety belt of what is allowed and hot and fetishistically attractive to humans, crawl and growl and bark and howl. You will get to cry Wolf. For only other Wolves can understand your ways, your drive, your nature and your ethics. Cry Wolf, over the fear of loosing those humans you learned to love.
Wolf have been alone for many many years. Wolf has been basically always alone. Wolf have grown more rigid and wary towards human beings in the years. Each time it let them come close, even the most meaningful ones, they always thought to the best of their capabilities of comprehension, that it was about a game. A role-playing game to start after 22.30 in the evening and to stop when the drugs or the alcohols bottles are empty, together with their balls. Recently though, at the time this article is written, the human is in a relationship with its LeatherDAD and Mentor. DAD knows about existence of WOLF, and HE is slowly exploring it. At first HE was kind of sceptic and not interested in WOLF, but then got to understand that it is central part in the man HE owns. So not all is lost. DAD’s love is true and strong, and maybe, one day, you will be able to show what is really on the inside.
Cry, Wolf, as in the world of Fetish you can live, undercover, just like when you were watching the Werewolves movies with your Bio father. You can live under the false identity of a role play. And maybe also this is important, Wolf. For you are not just WOLF, you are also a human being. And without the human being, you cannot exist. Without the human being, you cannot have a pack. For you were born in a human body, in a human world, and you’ll have to learn how to live both lives at once.
This is also why I am so attached to Old Guard Leather Culture, Protocol and Etiquette. It’s both a world very close to a Wolves’s society as in the means of a strict hierarchy, an iron code of conduct and honor, and a strong sense of brotherhood. But at the same time, it is also a balance.
All the control, all the rules, all the rituals and formality help the human get quiet and peace inside, slowly calming the hum coming from the animal that rages inside. Slowly pacing the Rise of the Wolf.