When dealing with a new sub, it is important to me as a Master to be able to build in my mind a gnosiological pattern of his mind and ways of reacting to stimuli, such as, but not limitedly to, pain in bdsm.
is one of the most scary stimula for most of the less experienced subs in BDSM, and even more for those who are betas and / or people submitting for a specific man, outside of their comfort zone.
Not every sub is a Masochist – actually in 12+ years of 24/7 lifestyle I would say I have met very few real Masochists – but almost every sub can be converted to the worship of pain as a language, when driven by a meaning.
Imagine to be at work, wondering through the corridors of whatever company you might be working in. Out of the blue, for no good reason, some guy or gal for whom you don’t have any specific esteem or deep respect for, smacks you in the face. How would you react?
Imagine now instead to be a little boy who made something wrong, or is showing a temper tantrum. Imagine to be smacked by your Daddy, before it actually fucked up your relationship, when you still had a vision of him as a Mentor and Heroic parental figure. Different.
If tattoos have a special meaning to you, imagine the first time you got yourself inked. Different kind of pain, right? Different kind of reaction. It was a pain you wanted, and you remember almost every moment of it; it was meaningful.
Pain in BDSM: A leap of faith, or a pharmacy?
Some subs (that should not be called subs at all) seek pain as they had ways in their life to discover the incredible chemical reactions that happen in our bodies when we are subjected to pain; adrenaline, cortisol, endorphins start flowing in your blood. You get high. Some Masochists are actually pain junkies more than actual slaves, and some of them care really little about any Master and slave kind of relationship. They want the pain, you enjoy giving it. It’s all about pure sensation, and its meaning is not then so important.
On the other hand, a man can have a very low pain tolerance threshold, but because of the power of the mind-powerplay that a Master has built, because of how much that Master deserves that sub’s esteem and appreciation, the fear of pain itself becomes manageable, as the reward is to make his Sir proud, and to be able to overcome his limits. At that point, the sensation is still scary but is worth its meaning. For these subs, it’s all about the meaning behind the activities, and it’s completely in the hands of the Master to craft and rewire their perception of painplay, once the sub is working with Him.
What is pain?
The Collins Dictionary translates pain as “Pain is the feeling of great discomfort you have, for example when you have been hurt or when you are ill.”
The International Association for the Study of Pain’s widely used definition defines pain as “an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with actual or potential tissue damage, or described in terms of such damage”;[1] however, due to it being a complex, subjective phenomenon, defining pain has been a challenge.
Right there, you already have the key solution to this big chapter in BDSM: pain is a highly subjective phenomenon.
But let’s keep on describing what pain is: scientifically, nociceptive pain (the one we’re talking about mostly, in BDSM, although there other ways pain can be used and felt as a language) works this way: Nociceptors are the specialized sensory receptors responsible for the detection of noxious (unpleasant) stimuli, transforming the stimuli into electrical signals, which are then conducted to the central nervous system.
Overwriting pain’s pattern
Nature has designed pain in all beings to be automatically associated with a highly unpleasant sensation, which kickstarts a chain reaction that makes your heart race, and your body jump in the attempt to run away from it, or to fight back. Let’s not forget we are coming from the animal kingdom, where being able to feel a sharp pain and counter react immediately is a matter of life or death.
When you are in a playroom with a trusted Man, though, you’re not in the jungle; you’re not fighting for your life. It’s all about trust; once you’ve learned to give up control, trust your Master and accept your desires, you’re ready to start rewiring pain itself. Pain is nothing more than electric work interpreted by your brain in a pre-scripted way; good news is that you can override that script. You can channel pain, you can use pain, you can feel pain and yet stop running from it. In the exact moment you’re not scared of pain, and you translate it into the ENERGY that your Master is giving you, and the intense feeling you feel is the answer to that stimula, the passion and deep love that is running through that Whip, you’ll still feel the sting of the pain, but you won’t be running from it. You’ll want more. You’ll grow more and more excited by it, starting to get into a state of euphoria in which you realize how strong you are, how much you can take, and how much you were so scared of something that you can totally deal with*.
You become invincible
Master Lupus’ back after a training session with his Mentors, with several single tail whips and bullwhips
Pain in BDSM as a Metaphor
Most people tend to have an idealistic dream of a life devoid of pain; a life of constant success, of everlasting loves, of relationship that work on all levels, aesthetic perfection, beauty, and more (we have talked about it in this article too). Most adults have instead realized two things: perfection doesn’t exist in nature, and pain is part of life.
Just as shadow needs lightning to exist, everything in this life is a pendulum swing between joy and sadness, pleasure and pain, love and sorrow, life and death.
In this sense, accepting pain as a language and part of the many stimuli in BDSM, is also therapeutic psychologically in accepting pain (and other unpleasant feelings such as failure and shame) and its lessons in life; when we overcome pain, when we survive trauma, we cut our tooth. That’s how we keep growing wiser, stronger and, in the end, better and happier people. On the other hand, in my experience, refusing pain, running from confrontation and hiding away from it, creates unhappy and weak people which will always feel like a failure in front of the challenges that life present.
The Paradox: love yourself. Hurt yourself
And what about love? Those of you whom had the luck to really be in love, or to find the love of their life, already know that in their happier relationship, there always have been a decent level of pain. Wether it was the longing and anxiety of not seeing your loved one for a week, wether it was a misunderstanding, a first fight, or even a second or umpteenth fight, wether it was jealousy, wether it was fear of losing your loved one. The experience of pain is also part of the experience of Love**.
Unfortunately, as a consequence of the above stated “naive idealistic vision of a pain-free existence“, love is very difficult to handle to the most. In my case, being a real BDSM person makes me able to accept and enjoy pain from a meaningful Man as part of the Power Exchange that is being created, have made of me a more understanding, caring and patient husband and Master. Accepting love must include accepting the pain that comes with it, the Power Exchange, the chase and the run, the strong emotions, and the ability to give trust, before expecting it.
To learn more about pain in BDSM I suggest you to check out this very experienced Master’s twitter account.
*as long as your Master and you are working together, and the Master is worth this title. Those who make more than aesthetic damage, and actually create physical damage, is a Master who failed, or an idiot faking to be a Master.
**Just like in BDSM, pain should never be abusive or not consensual; when a relationship becomes painful by default and there is no lesson to be learnt, but always a continuous need of one party to hurt the other, that’s a toxic relationship. Not what we’re talking about here.
Dam Sir, you always continue to impress me with your wisdom and knowledge, especially for a man at 29 years old!! Thank you for directing me to this site to learn more about you.
Thank You so much for this article. Truly enjoyed reading Your reflections and opinions. As a masochist, i do find pain a cathartic process that allows my mind to shut off and focus on the sensations of the moment, allowing other issues to file themselves and sort out in my subconscious.
Yes I have to learn different sensations and how to process them, caning is very different to a paddle which is different to a single tail.
As a punishment there are few ways that pain can be used. Punishment for this slave is more knowing that it has failed or let its Superior down.
Again thank You Sir for Your thoughts and research
Indeed, in this household pain is never delivered as a punishment, but only as mean of connection and mutual harmony. If punishment needs to be delivered, it is custom tailored to the subs specific personality, identity and the mistake that has been made, as the goal of punishment is for the sub to acknowledge, process and learn from a mistake, not to “make amend” with pain. Pain has to be associate with a positive feeling, as said in my writing, and not as punitive at all. Thanks for your comment!
Pain delivered in the right moment can be a hugely cathartic and endorphin releasing emotions causing a feeling of euphoria. At least that’s just me. However sometimes the moment is t right and pain can’t be processed as a positive, That negative pain is when it is time to rest from the situation take a time out and move on from that situation. the connection made when absorbing a higher level of pain is incredible, its a deep deep understanding….
I believe it all has to do with relationship and training. Taking pain out of context of course can’t be processed as positive, nor can it be viewed as positive, as it is lacking the foundation of the principle, which is consent and trust. When there is consent and trust, and a skilled Master that takes the sub on a journey, then pain can be accepted and be a useful experience for both parties
How pain is perceived and processed is totally related to one’s emotional perception. Many drugs used to control pain raise your pain threshold by lowering anxiety. In a positive BDSM exchange the trust is paramount and the skill of the Dominant to read you well along the journey makes it magic. I want, and am now trained to be aroused by, and enjoy taking pain for my Sadist top. Before our journey, I would have thought that crazy, I am no masochist. But now I want to please! I want that bigger smile, those eyes to sparkle more and Her pupils to dilate. She breaths deeply and that laugh!
Loving your comment. Very happy for you; it’s always inspiring to see that other people around the world have the maturity and experience to truly enjoy what BDSM is about.
Nella mia vita quando ho provato sentimenti forti – amore ovvero dolore per malattia ovvero perdita di persone a me care – ho sentito forte in me la necessità di sublimare tale sensazione con il dolore fisico aventen un forte significato catartico.
BDSM ci aiuta a raggiungere l’apice delle nostre sensazioni e capire noi stessi e gli altri.
Al Master che ci guida in questo processo di introspezione siamo grati.
Grazie Master Lupus per
Quello che ci regali.
Thank you so much Luciano for your constant positive support towards our work to maintain and share the Old Guard Leather culture and lifestyle 🙂
Strong hugs
Lupus
Thanks for this!!! I have enjoyed it a lot! As a person who uses pain in BDSM and also turned it into material for his performance pieces (the two experiences sometimes and somehow ‘blur’, meaning that, without my involvement in BDSM, there wouldn’t probably be my performances), I could not agree more: pain needs to have a meaning, otherwise is pointless. I understand that ‘getting high’ for undergoing painful practices is pleasurable, as we release the endorphines, but, it is much more enjoyable when you there is a meaning behind that, when, in a BDSM session, for instance, ‘you’ experience pain to give your body of the person ‘you’ are submitting to, and when ‘you’ realise that ‘you’ can endure, ‘you’ can overcome your limits, ‘you’ can connect to the person that inflicts ‘you’ pain. That is why I like bullwhip and knowing that my skin is marked and opened: it is like opening my skin and offer my body to my Dominant. Sadly, most people think that, since I am a sub who enjoys pain, I would experience it no matter what. I happened, for instance, to be asked to be just a target by a person (a person I knew and to whom I thought we had a kind relation, btw!) who wanted to learn his skills. He did not want to have a session etc, but just use me as an object for his purpose, thinking that I would accept just because I like pain! LOL (obviously, I bet he would have thrown me in the bid once he had learnt!). I refused, clearly, and told him, aside to go to f@ck himself, that, as a BDSM player, I felt offended and, before learning how to use a whip and inflicting pain on others, he should understand what whipping (or any other BDSM practices) really is.
Thanks again for your article!!!!
And Happy New Year!!!
Luca xxx
wow, that was reveiling! Thank You, Sir – in the name of thousands. slave wonders how it could get its Master into this, since He is not a sadist at all by means of inflicting actual physical pain onto His property- rather going the mental and psychological route. The slave is not a maso, precisely what You just explained in that article, but it does crave for ever increasingly build up pain offered by its wonderful Master, as a moment of trust and deep love for each other on the level of Ownership – not as a partner. The pix up there are just awesome, thanx as well. And an advise would be happily appreciated, how can it get its Master to this stuff without causing anger or worse, frustration in Him? THANKS in advance!
Well, you’re asking to the wrong man in a way. As an Old Guard Leather Master, reading from the slave “how can I get its Master to” is not the right mindset to start with. But I’m sure you didn’t mean it that way. However do remember that the way we write equals the way we show respect also in real life, so choose your words always carefully. Having said that, I’d say that open communication when you’re allowed is always the way to go. You could manifest to Him sponstaneously when you’re talking about these things that you’re excited about it, and you’d love to feel the emotion of surrendering to Him in more ways. However, you also have to understand and respect if He is not into Sadism and pain play as a mean of communication.
Lupus
Come al solito, suo testo mi ha commosso per la chiarezza e la vera anima bdsm che da esso sgorga abbondantemente.
Grazie di cuore
Thank you my friend 🙂
And also thank you for the effort of writing in (very good) Italian.
Let’s stick to english so also the other users can enjoy 🙂
Lupus